After God comforted me and assured me that he understood the pain of being unable to save my daughter, I thought my heart was healed. It seemed I had finally accepted that it wasn't my fault, and was then able to bring my broken heart to him and literally see, feel, and hear his compassion and love. It was an incredible experience, and I thought it was enough.
But God meant what he said when he told me he would "destroy the what-ifs." And I didn't know that I still had PTSD to deal with. One day I met with a couple of other moms with heaven babies, and one of them shared how God showed her that the details of her son's life weren't up to her. She said that as she cared for her daughter's baby, she realized that if anything were to happen with the baby while her daughter was on vacation, she would not be blamed for it. Because of the special relationship with her daughter, she was trusted to care for the baby. That's when God hit me with this realization: God leaves our children in our care and "trusts" us with them! He's the one ultimately in charge! So when he looks at my story with Hope, he doesn't say, "Why didn't she do x? Why didn't she listen to her intuition?" No, He says I loved Hope and I did the best I could for her! None of the details matter because I loved her.
Kind of like the story with the talents. Our talents could be literal things, or they could be children, or gifts given spiritually or materially. All he expects from us is for us to use them and care for them as best we can. In this life he gives us work and things on earth to care for, like he did in the beginning, giving the garden to Adam to tend and the animals for him to name. He wants us to enjoy our work - to copy him - knowing he doesn't judge us for the outcome. Instead he rejoices that we are loving and being like him! And just like in the parable, we don't have to, and shouldn't, bury our talents or wrap our kids in bubble wrap! *wink*
Now I had this realization to give me even more peace. But was God finished yet? Oh no, not hardly! He's unbelievably good! God wanted to put to rest some of the specific details surrounding Hope's story. At the freedom center, as we talked about how God can come and heal the untrue scenes of our past, the ones where we don't see him present, an unexpected pain began to ache in my heart. That's when I realized I wasn't fully healed.
When I was about halfway through my pregnancy with Hope, God gave me a dream of a still baby girl. It wasn't a scary dream, because at the time, I didn't know the baby was dead - I just thought it was weird that she wasn't moving. Now God reminded me of this dream, and he said,
"You know all those things you wish you had changed? The only thing they would have changed was you getting to watch her die surrounded by hospital staff. You thought your womb was a place of death. That is a big lie. Your womb was a place of comfort and peace. You got to hold her to the end and she got to feel your presence. I took care of the rest.
Now she is up here dancing with me. While you play hide and seek with Leah, I play with her. We walk through the garden and admire the flowers. She's not missing out on anything."
I love that image! It has brought me so much comfort! But God knew I also needed healing from PTSD. That's what I will talk about next.